Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize