will power is for people who don't want to get laid
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
