I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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