Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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