I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
