I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
