You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
