I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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