His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
