i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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