im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
