you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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