maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
