So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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