Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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