who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
