Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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