I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
