peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
