Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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