my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
