I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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