i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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