That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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