My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
