I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
