I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
