Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize