I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
