We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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