hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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