listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize