I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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