its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
