morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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