Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
