i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
sex in a hospital.. check
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
