He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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