i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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