bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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