Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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