I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
