I murdered the dance floor call the cops
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
