i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
