She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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