If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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