Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
