9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize