: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My bed smells like the plague
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
