He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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