What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
