Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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