I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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