If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize