Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize