dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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