So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
